Review: Bayonetta

Bayonetta, the character you play in a new game on XBox 360 and PS3, looks like a butch lesbian come strict maths teacher. This combination leaves you really not wanting her to take her clothes off in public yet she strips her leather clad ass all the time. That aside, the style and concept behind Bayonetta is outstanding, original, funny and addictive. I love the style and concept. However, it has fast become the most overrated pile of old tosh I’ve played in a long time. Edge, one of the more respectable gaming publications gave it 10/10 and IGN gave it 9.6/10. After completing the game I can only come to the conclusion that these reviewers are mad. Properly, clinically insane. The actual presentation is shoddy with menus from the 90’s, loading times from the 90’s, shocking flaws in the graphics like polygon ears from the 90’s, 2d sprite trees and terrible animation from the 90’s. No review seems to have spotted these glaringly obvious elements that make the game feel like it’s something from the N64 of 15 years ago. The story, while fun if you like animé – which I do – is poorly executed, but who cares, this game is all about gameplay. The gameplay is totally hit and miss. On ‘normal’ it is way too hard and on ‘easy’ you may as well not even bother playing it because it practically plays itself. Lots of the controls hark back to the N64 era I talked about, but fail to realise gaming has moved on. For instance, many special moves still use the ‘back > forward > button press’ combo from a game like Mortal Kombat. Perfectly fine if you use a digital d-pad, but this game uses analogue. I thought the world realised years ago that these sorts of things don’t work on analogue sticks?! Yes, I’m being overly harsh, but I had to try and balance out the praise this game is getting which I feel is completely unjustified. A great game to rent but I really wish I had never bought it. Ebay, oh Ebay!