To prove he 'gives a shit' and is out 'fixing' Broken Britain, David Cameron likes having pictures of himself taken at schools. Luckily with plenty of cameras in tow to capture him fixing things.

Attention seeking media darling David Cameron’s favourite phrase is “Broken Britain”. So much so that if you type Broken Britain into Google two suggested results that include David Cameron in it come up before you even hit the search button. There is a vital flaw to this catch phrase though: Britain is not broken. In fact, as far as I can tell Britain is still pretty bloody brilliant. If you were to put us in a pile of smartphones, we’d be an iPhone. Yes we’ve been hit by a recession, but given it’s the ‘biggest recession known to man, god and other such deities’, I suddenly find myself practically looking forward to normal sized recessions in future. They’ll be a right old laugh! Yes we have large unemployment, yes our financial system is probably fucked for the foreseeable future, yes there is more reporting of crime in the press, yes we are now able to pick apart any minor failing of literally anyone using the internet and yes some people still think La Roux is nice to listen to. But you’re an absolute fool if you think we are broken. Compared to every other country in the world we’ve got it damn good. We’re so not broken that we’re having to build extensions to give us the impression we’re fixing something. Even if we all had our wages slashed in half and Ikea taken away from us, compared to a lot of countries we’d still be laughing. In terms of crime we’re leaps and bounds better than most countries – even compared to other developed countries we have less shootings and we’re the ones that no longer have the horrendous death penalty. Importantly, and I think this is the crux of the Broken Britain thinking, society in the UK is simply marvellous to live in. It’s stable, it’s progressive, we have the NHS and a good education system for all their faults, people are on the whole generally nice and for the ones that aren’t there are loads of nice people wanting to help make the not nice ones nicer. In fact, the more I write the more amazed I am that someone is allowed to go around lying that Britain is ‘broken’. This is my country and I’m really proud of the way it works and of the things that don’t quite work that we continue to try to improve – this makes Britain fun. So stop slagging off our fab country and naff off you old buffoon! The phrase “Broken Britain” is the only thing broken around here.

UPDATE: this article inspired – and it’s not coincidence AT ALL – The Economist to write about the same subject: How Broken is Britain?

Not a book about beastiality

There I was just a walkin’ down the street. When what do I see but a pile of books with a note saying “take them”. I took the one that looked most boring and therefore most likely to be good, All The Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. Had no idea who he was but the quotes from The Guardian and The Telegraph made it sound good. Anyway, it looked SO boring that I didn’t read it for months until pissed at my New Years Eve house party I was told by a lovely Aussie that it was the same author of The Road, the post apocalypse film starring Viggo Mortensen. I read it and it was very good. That is all.

An amazing scene

I’m not being funny, but the Channel 4 production of ‘Mo‘ was fantastic. Julie Walters is captivating and the programme turned me into an emotional wreck throughout. Some films leave a lasting impact on you for life and this is certainly one of them.

The big news on Wednesday 27th of January 2010 was that Apple’s new iPad would have borders the width of one human male. The world looked on in horror as a man demonstrated live on stage that no, the width wasn’t a deception, the iPad’s borders genuinely were the same width as his upper chest. He later stated that “Apple are working on a border the size of my entire arm span” before lifting his arms to show scale. Many people in London actually went to hospital after violently recoiling in disgust that Apple had failed to make something that looked better than the HP / Microsoft Slate. Here at Dead Tomorrow towers we’ll be waiting for iPad NoBS (no borders version, set for release as soon as possible please).

Buy. Read. Love... Worm love.

Every now and then a book comes into my life that’s a little bit special. I love sci-fi and fantasy stories – if I’m going to read a story I want it to not be about every day life – so it’s strange I’ve gone so long without reading Dune, especially as I loved dodgy 80’s film Tremors which, in hindsight, totally rips off Dune. What I love about Dune is that it feels real, like it could happen, but it’s obviously so far removed from real-life that it’s a genuine fantasy. Totally believable, dry but exciting. Wormalicious.

It physically pains me to write this, I’m actually holding back the urge to self-harm as I type, but The Daily Mail TV & Showbiz site is amazing. It took this section of The Daily Mail to make me realise what’s so good about the entire publication: it’s bloody hilarious! The articles are all massively long with HUGE pictures and loads of videos. It’s everything you wish Heatworld was and then some. Just look at the above story written “By Daily Mail Reporter”. Hilarious!

Assassin’s Creed 2 is one of the best entertainment experiences in the world, better than Avatar, and not just because you get to mingle with Venetian prostitutes. I’ve told people this and yet they still haven’t and will never play it. There really is an entire group of people in this world who miss out on the most amazing experiences available to them. I don’t understand why anyone would do this. Crazy town.

Anyway, Assassin’s Creed 2 follows on from the first game which I loved but many found repetitive. The sequel is a million times better, looks bloody amazing, plays better and has a complex and multi-faceted plot. Lots of reviewers have said the Assassins Creed story arc is convoluted, I say they are stupid. There is a lot to it, but given we’re playing these games for 20 – 30 hours each, you’d expect a lot more story than a 90 minute film.

Think Matrix meets Italian renaissance period drama that allows you to go anywhere you like in Florence and Venice while being the lead character in a historical, political and science fiction thriller. Why wouldn’t you want to do this? Don’t be dense, go out and buy a PS3 or XBox 360 and play this game.

Bayonetta, the character you play in a new game on XBox 360 and PS3, looks like a butch lesbian come strict maths teacher. This combination leaves you really not wanting her to take her clothes off in public yet she strips her leather clad ass all the time. That aside, the style and concept behind Bayonetta is outstanding, original, funny and addictive. I love the style and concept. However, it has fast become the most overrated pile of old tosh I’ve played in a long time. Edge, one of the more respectable gaming publications gave it 10/10 and IGN gave it 9.6/10. After completing the game I can only come to the conclusion that these reviewers are mad. Properly, clinically insane. The actual presentation is shoddy with menus from the 90’s, loading times from the 90’s, shocking flaws in the graphics like polygon ears from the 90’s, 2d sprite trees and terrible animation from the 90’s. No review seems to have spotted these glaringly obvious elements that make the game feel like it’s something from the N64 of 15 years ago. The story, while fun if you like animé – which I do – is poorly executed, but who cares, this game is all about gameplay. The gameplay is totally hit and miss. On ‘normal’ it is way too hard and on ‘easy’ you may as well not even bother playing it because it practically plays itself. Lots of the controls hark back to the N64 era I talked about, but fail to realise gaming has moved on. For instance, many special moves still use the ‘back > forward > button press’ combo from a game like Mortal Kombat. Perfectly fine if you use a digital d-pad, but this game uses analogue. I thought the world realised years ago that these sorts of things don’t work on analogue sticks?! Yes, I’m being overly harsh, but I had to try and balance out the praise this game is getting which I feel is completely unjustified. A great game to rent but I really wish I had never bought it. Ebay, oh Ebay!

Sorry, but I can’t trust a smarmy, unoriginal, publicity whore. Least of all male ones.